


I could have treated you better

by pearsonasnic



Series: You showed me feelings I've never felt before [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: But there is a sequel, F/F, Heavy Angst, No happy ending here, POV Evil Queen | Regina Mills, So don't worry they get their happy ending eventually if you go read that one, Some Fluff, Split Queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-06 07:40:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8740828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearsonasnic/pseuds/pearsonasnic
Summary: Regina is aware that her life is changing, by how much comes as a shock even to her when the Evil Queen she thought she killed returns to Storybrooke. The Queen is hell-bent on making Regina suffer for trying to kill her and to do that she sets a target on the one person that Regina loves most besides Henry, which turns out to be Emma. The Queen's presence forces Regina and Emma to confront their feelings for one another but there’s still a certain pirate in the way, and as always things get complicated.





	1. I've been crossing all the lines

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning that this is not a happy fic, though I have got a sequel in the works for those who would prefer a happier ending. You can all blame meliwint since she's the one who gave me the idea. ;)
> 
> Robin is mentioned but he's dead and this is set pretty much straight after the season 5 finale. Hook, is also mentioned and Emma is with him but he's not in it all that much just briefly in passing and I don't believe he has any real speaking moments. It is all Regina or the Evil Queen's POV and her story to becoming whole again and Emma is a big part of that journey with lots of Regina/SwanQueen angst.
> 
> Anyway with all that out of the way, enjoy...or maybe that isn't the right word. Tissues at the ready.
> 
> UPDATE: The sequel has now been posted, so go read that after this and fix your hearts.

Regina and Emma had a complex history, that was certain and there had always been something between them.  Their trip to New York together had brought previously dampened down feelings to the surface.  For Regina anyway.  
  
Her feelings for Emma Swan were not the kind of feelings that you had for a friend, it went far beyond that.  She had been managing them for so long, trying to not let them out.  Sometimes in unexpected moments of extreme vulnerability she’d find herself gazing at the blonde as if she were all that mattered in the world.  She wasn’t supposed to feel this way, Robin was her soulmate and they’d fought so hard to reach the point where they could be together.  
  
When Robin was alive it was far simpler because she did love him, she just also loved Emma.  She’d let her feelings for Robin consume her and it allowed her feelings for Emma to go on the back burner, she didn’t have to think of what she felt for her unattainable friend.  
  
Robin had barely been gone days and she was already pining after Emma, what did that say about her?  She was still grieving for Robin but that process was now made a whole lot more complicated with her newly risen feelings for Emma thrown in the mix.  
  
Things had always been complicated where Emma was involved, so she shouldn’t be surprised that the younger woman managed yet again to snake her way in at the most unexpected time.  In the beginning, she had wormed her way into their lives and Regina hated it, she hated her.  Well, that might be a bit strong of a word.  
  
She’d desperately wanted to drive the woman out of town but yet she had also loved the challenge of Emma.  No one had given her that kind of challenge for years and she’d found it intoxicating, the tension between them, it was almost sexual.  Later on, it developed into so much more than that.  
  
Emma was with the pirate though and even if she wasn’t Regina could hardly believe that her feelings would ever be returned.  How could they?  After all, they’d been through and everything that Regina had done in the past.  It still surprised her that Robin had been willing to stay with her knowing even a second of her past.  Though if she looked deeper Robin hadn’t really known her, not all of her.  Given time maybe, but that had been robbed from them.  
  
It was evening, they had returned from New York earlier in the day and Regina was sat on her couch a glass of apple cider in hand whilst contemplating her Emma problem.  Henry was upstairs asleep, hopefully anyway since they’d had a tiring day.  It had certainly done a number on Regina, her mind was a confused muddle of emotions that she couldn’t quite get a handle on.  
  
She slowly sipped her apple cider, the resurfaced feelings for Emma had actually distracted her from what she probably should be processing.  Robin’s death for one but also- she’d split herself today and had barely begun to examine how she felt about it.  The queen was gone, really she didn’t feel all that different.  Lighter perhaps.  It was difficult to pinpoint her exact feelings on the subject; time might yield a more solid answer.  
  
As always in Storybrooke a new foe had reared its head the moment they thought they might get some semblance of peace.  That foe being in the form of Hyde and his land of untold stories which had invaded the town.  That was a huge dilemma in itself and she had spent a good amount of her time upon their return trying to just begin to sort it.  A whole host of new people added to the town was not what any of them really needed.  Hyde had disappeared not long after arriving in Storybrooke so god knows where he was now, they’d have to find him and soon but for now they all needed time to rest.  
  
She massaged her temple, she had a steadily worsening headache and the more she thought the worse it got.  Really she should go to bed but how on earth could she sleep with her mind still chasing itself around in circles, concentrating on anything let alone sleep would be difficult.  Already resigned to staying up all night she decided to at least try and do something productive with her time, it was now just after midnight and it would be a long night.

 

* * *

 

Hours later she awoke, head on her study desk and feeling far worse than she had previously.  She was incredibly groggy and groaned when she looked at the time to see that it was a little after 5 am.  Bed was definitely in order now.  
  
Despite being in her soft, comfortable bed sleep would not come and she tossed and turned before drifting off again sometime later.  When her eyes next opened it was 9:46, light shone through partially closed curtains and it was much later than she had planned on waking up.  She shot out of bed and had to steady herself when a wave of light headedness washed over her from getting up too quickly.  She showered and dressed in record time.  
  
Downstairs in the living room she found Henry glued to the TV with an empty bowl of cereal next to him.  She kissed him good morning, though he paid her little attention as he was completely focused on the TV, before she headed to her study to grab her cell from her desk where she had left it the night before.  There were a number of missed calls and texts from Emma, Snow and Zelena.   
  
The texts from Emma and Snow said that they were at Granny’s so she replied asking if they were still there.  It didn’t take long for Snow to confirm that they were and for Regina to reply saying she and Henry would be there as soon as possible.  Zelena’s text was enquiring after her wellbeing and she replied with a quick _as good as can be expected_ , she really didn’t want to have to go into any more detail, before moving to make sure Henry was ready to leave.  
  
It took longer for them to arrive at the diner than she would have liked since Henry was not dressed but otherwise they were there in 45 minutes.  Emma, Hook and Snow were sat in a booth together and although she greeted them in a friendly enough manner, she found herself acting stiffer towards the pirate.  She couldn’t quite forgive him for everything that had happened as easily as the others seemed to have.  Her gaze lingered on Emma far more than was probably suitable, she worried about the younger woman.  When the blonde caught her staring she’d look away pretending to be interested in something else entirely, though she was probably not fooling anyone.  
  
Snow had ordered coffee for her and she gratefully gulped it down, she certainly needed it after her night.  Henry had his usual hot chocolate and cinnamon and he happily talked away to the others.  Regina felt Snow’s eyes on her but she refused to meet her gaze, she’d prefer not to be reminded of how easy it was for the other woman to read her.  After briefly catching up they fell into a discussion on possible locations where Hyde could be holding out.  There had still been no sightings of him since yesterday but they had never the less been trying to scour the town, keeping everyone on high alert.  
  
There was not a lot they could do without knowing where he was so they moved onto the new residence that Hyde had brought with him.  It was suspicious though that he would claim himself the owner of Storybrooke but then shortly after disappearing, that’s what had them worried.  Granny’s was exceptionally busy because of the new arrivals and the town was definitely more crowded than was usual.  
  
Violet came to see Henry and the two of them went outside together, the adults around the table sharing knowing looks though they refrained from saying anything embarrassing.  There would be plenty of time for that later when there were less pressing issues at hand.  Regina was certain that Henry had told Violet that they would be at Granny’s, she was still getting used to the idea of him having a girlfriend.

 

* * *

 

By afternoon Regina was sat at her desk in City Hall and trying hard to keep her eyes open which was proving difficult.  She gulped down mugs of coffee to keep going but she was soon going to have to admit defeat and call it a day.

It was 5pm when she finally quit and decided to head home since she was not actually getting anything done in her state of exhaustion.  Her eyes drooping and reading the same line over and over was not very productive.

The mansion was eerily silent when she got in, Henry had requested earlier to stay with Emma and she had accepted on the basis of the pirate not being there.  She mistrusted him after everything and who could blame her really.  The one handed wonder was staying on his ship for the night so that Emma and Henry could have some alone time together which was sorely needed since they had been through so much and needed to repair their relationship.

Now alone by herself in the big empty house she was regretting her decision, the thought of asking Zelena to join her did cross her mind but she was just too tired.  Zelena had a little one to care for anyway so despite the early time she decided on just going straight to bed.

Halfway up the stairs, however, there was a tap at the door.  Puzzled, she paused to listen and then there it was again.  She headed back down to answer but when she cracked the door open she found that there was nobody there.  She couldn’t see anybody on the walkway either and so assumed someone was playing a trick or her deliriously tired brain was playing tricks on itself.  She went back inside and locked the door securely behind her.

Just as she was about to turn back around a horribly familiar voice said “hello dear.”

Her blood ran cold.  No, she refused to turn around.  “You’re not here, I killed you.”

“Did you really think it would be that easy?”

Regina turned then.  She had to be hearing things.  It was the exhaustion and everything that had happened recently or maybe she was really asleep and dreaming.  The Evil Queen could not be standing in front of her with a devious smirk plastered across her face, but there she was anyway and it did seem to be very real.

“How? What do you want?” her voice quivered far more than she cared for.

“What do I want? Why you of course.  You’re suffering will do just nicely, watch me tear apart everything you hold dear.”  Her voice was so cold.  It sent shivers down Regina’s spine.

Her first thoughts flashed to Henry and Emma, hoping against hope that they were currently safe.  “Don’t you dare-”

The Queen advanced into Regina’s personal space till they almost nose to nose, her breathing heavy as she growled out, “you just threw me away despite everything and look how weak you’ve become.  You love.  Worst of all you’ve allowed Snow White in, the wretch that betrayed us.”  Her eyes were lit with anger, a fire flaring behind them.

“No, I-we won’t let you,” Regina replied a tremor audible though she tried hard to appear indifferent to the Queen’s words.

“No,” the Queen retorted sharply.  With a flick of her wrist, she had the air cut off from Regina’s lungs as if a tight grip was held at her neck.

Regina tensed and clenched her fists, she tried not to fight the familiar suffocating sensation, she knew from experience that fighting it only made things worse.

“There’s no way you can stop me, I’m you but more.  I know everything about you, your weaknesses and experiences, it’s all here in my head and I will exploit it all.  When I use what I know, you will have torn yourself apart by the time I am done with you.”

With a whoosh, the Queen was gone and Regina could breathe again, she took in great lungs full of air.  Her first priority was to get a hold of Emma or Henry, she fumbled through her pockets, hands shaking, for her cell phone and automatically brought up Emma’s number and hit dial.  The wait for an answer was excruciating and it felt like forever with her mind on overdrive filled with thoughts of them being hurt.

“Regina?” Finally, Emma answered.

“Emma,” she breathed out.  “Are you and Henry ok?” She couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “She’s here, she’s still alive, I don’t know how but she is.”

“Woah, Regina calm down.  Who’s here?”  Emma sounded urgent but calm and Regina was definitely anything but calm.

“Are you both ok?” She needed that answer first.

“Yes, we’re fine, now tell me who’s here?”  Emma’s voice was soothing.

“Her,” she whispered, voice barely above a whisper.  “The Evil Queen.”

Silence.

“Emma?” Worry laced the word.

“Sorry, I’m here.  Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure!” her voice raising, exasperated.

“Alright, I’ll come over with Henry, we’ll be there soon ok?”

“Ok, hurry.”  The line went dead.  She took a deep breath, she’d feel a lot better when they arrived and she could see that they were safe.  For now, she needed to stay calm or try to at the very least.

She headed into the kitchen and took a seat on a stool, her mind was running on overdrive.  The last thing the Queen had said echoed through her head and left a sense of dread deep in her gut.  How could the Evil Queen still be alive?  She’d crushed her heart and watched her turn to dust, what happened?  She needed answers, what was the Queen up to?  Then there was an overpowering sense of blame, she blamed herself for her evil half being loose, if anyone was hurt then it would be her fault.  Not only would she have technically committed the act but she never should have split in the first place.  What seemed like a good idea at the time suddenly was not, not with the Evil Queen roaming free around Storybrooke.

A short while later she was startled out of her deep thoughts by the loud knock on the door, she quickly bounded towards the sound. When she saw Emma standing in the doorway with Henry it was incredibly relieving, they were both safe, she felt like she could breathe again for now.  She engulfed Henry in her arms, breathing him in, solidifying that he was safe, that she hadn’t got to him.  Then she turned to Emma and choked out a thank you that came out more like a sob but the blonde still seemed to understand and returned it with a weak smile.

Regina stepped out the way to let them enter and as Emma walked passed she gently gripped Regina's arm in comfort before letting go.  That brief contact had her feeling dizzy, everything felt more intense but she didn't know whether it was because of the split or all the other things that were going on in her head.  It was all too much.

They all headed into the living room and sat, Emma alone in a chair and Henry by her side on the couch.

"Mom," he started tentatively.  "What happened?"

He had always been an intuitive child, some days she felt that he could read her as well as she could him.  There was no use hiding things from him so she told them everything.  That she'd been so tired and was going straight to bed when there had been someone at the door.  That it had been _her_ standing there, threatening everything.

"But how?" Emma stuttered out.

Swiping at a stray tear that had fallen she replied with, "I don't know, I crushed her heart.  She should be dead.  But then I don't really know much about this kind of magic."

Ever the optimist Henry leaned into his mother taking her hand in his as he said, "don’t worry mom, we'll fix this, we always do."

Regina smiled softly, not wanting to admit in front of him that she really didn't feel his optimism.  She did, however, look towards Emma whose eyes shone at her, it was one of those moments when their eyes met and she felt like the air had been robbed from her lungs.

For safety reasons Emma insisted that they all should stay in the mansion tonight, the blonde called her parents to let them know what had happened.  There was little they could do tonight, especially with a powerful magic wielder on the loose.  They would wait till morning and talk to Jekyll about what he knew.  They already had protected their residences as best they could when they realised that Hyde was missing, for now, they just needed to get through the night, on alert for the slightest disturbance.

It was comforting to have Emma there with her.  When Henry went to bed there was an atmosphere in the room that she couldn't quite put her finger on, it wasn't awkward but neither was it particularly pleasant.

Regina looked up from where she had been leaning forward and staring at her hands to find that Emma had sat next to her where Henry had just vacated, the blonde’s eyes were on her.  It was an intense moment of silence that conveyed a lot between them, just from that look Regina knew that Emma was going to be there for her.

She sat up straighter, they were so close, closer than they had been in a long while.  Regina’s eyes dropped to Emma’s lips, when she looked up into green eyes again they were inches apart.  Of course, it was at that moment Emma’s loud obnoxious ringtone came blaring from her pocket and they snapped apart as if burned, the moment passed.

Emma pulled her cell out, answering as she jumped up from her seat.  “Killian?” she squeaked out.

Regina’s heart sank.  The pirate, of course.  She watched Emma leave the room and couldn’t help but wonder if she had just completely imagined what had just happened there.  She could have sworn that they might have kissed had it not been for the interruption but no, she really had to have been reading into things that were not really there.

Shortly after that, they both headed to bed, Emma in the guest room.  Regina found herself longing for the younger woman’s company, to curl up next to her and have her whisper words of comfort in her ear.  That was a wishful fantasy.

She began getting ready for bed but stopped when she caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror.  She felt disjointed from her reflection, as if the woman staring back at her were a stranger.  Her eyes were swollen from tiredness and the amount of crying that she seemed to have been doing lately.  She needed to change, she was no longer the woman she was mere days ago.

Without much thought she picked up a pair of scissors that were on the counter and roughly cut through her hair.  After the first locks hit the floor it was easier to keep going till a sizeable amount of brown hair lay strewn around her feet.  Now her hair rested just above her shoulders and it was enough of a difference that she sighed, she felt calmer than before, it was cathartic to cut those pieces of herself away.  She neatened the ends and swept away the hair, wishing that it would be just as easy to rid herself of another piece of her that now stalked the streets of Storybrooke.

Although there was a lot going on in her head, once in bed Regina found herself drifting into sleep quite quickly.  It wasn’t the most restful sleep, images of Emma, Robin and the Evil Queen chased each other around and more than once she awoke startled from a nightmare. On those occasions, she checked on Henry out of habit, despite knowing that if anything had happened to him she would already know but she needed to see him safe.

His door stood ajar and she peaked through watching him sleep for a few moments till she felt herself calming.  When he was younger she would often wake in a panic and not believing herself worthy of her little prince or of all the love he had for her when no one else did, she’d run to check on him, to make sure he was still there.  She always felt that he would slip from her grasp or one day see her for who she really was and turn his back on her.  Of course all those things came true but they’re in a better place now, still she can’t help but fear losing him again.  How would he and Emma react to seeing the worst part of herself on display?  Usually she would bury her darkness deep inside of her and now it was out to play for all to see.


	2. I can't escape myself

For days the town was suspiciously quiet, and it had Regina on edge, the slightest noise or movement out the corner of her eye would have her heart pounding and her body jerking.  After she had witnessed this happen several times at Granny’s the morning after the Queen announced herself, Emma declared that she would be staying at 108 Mifflin Street with Regina and Henry and would hear nothing against it.

Of course Regina refused, and of course, she did everything to convince the younger woman that it was a bad idea but Emma was also incredibly stubborn.  The saviour continued refusing to hear any of Regina’s reasoning and insisted that she needed to make sure that they were both safe.  Yes, Regina could do a good job protecting them herself but another body would also add to their safety.  In the end the fact that Henry wanted it is what drew her over but she never explicitly said yes, she might have sighed and nodded her head slightly but that didn’t really count.

Emma staying in the house had her on edge for a whole different reason, even though it _was_ nice having her there.  She had to constantly remind herself not to overstep boundaries, she would go to touch Emma and pull back, scared of showing too much affection and revealing herself.  Henry seemed to be really enjoying the extra time he was getting to spend with both of his mother's but it certainly wasn’t helping Regina’s already frazzled nerves.

She kind of expected it to be weird to have the blonde staying longer than a night but it wasn’t and she felt them all quickly settling into a routine.  Quite often she had to remind herself that this was not a permanent situation and that Emma would go back to living with the pirate the moment danger passed.  It was nice though to pretend that this was their future, that they would be a family together like this forever.

On top of everything, else Regina was making an attempt at repairing her relationship with her sister.  Zelena lived at her farmhouse with baby Robyn, they were all keeping a close eye on her but for now, everything was going well and she was visiting with Regina whenever they both had the time.

“How is it having Emma living with you?” Zelena said raising an eyebrow and looking over her coffee mug at her sister on one of those visits.  She was reclined on the couch in Regina’s living room, baby Robyn comfortably nestled against her chest.

Regina’s cheeks reddened at the question, suddenly sure that her sister was more aware of her feelings towards Emma than she had previously let on.  She shuffled slightly in her seat at the other end of the couch, “it’s nice for Henry to have her around more and away from _him_.”  Her eyes narrowed momentarily and her lips pursed in distaste at having mentioned the pirate.

Zelena nodded her head in agreement before adding, “yes but you _know_ that is not what I meant.”

“I’m sure I haven’t the foggiest idea what you are talking about.”  Regina busied herself with taking a long drink from her own mug so that she could hide her discomfort.

Zelena’s only response was to roll her eyes and switch topics.  “Heard anything from the Queen?” she asked a note of curiosity in her tone.

“No,” Regina’s eyes darkened as she lowered her mug.  “I’m sure you’d have heard if we had anyway, I’m guessing the whole town will know next time she decides to make an appearance.”

“Is it odd that she hasn’t shown herself again for so long? I mean it was days ago now that she revealed herself to you.”

Regina sighed, “she’s probably trying to keep us all on edge,” after a brief pause she added, “it’s working as well.”  She hugged her free arm to her stomach as though that would shield herself from it all.

Zelena nodded, she had witnessed Regina spill coffee earlier when baby Robyn had cried and startled her.  “You’ve got so many people here for you,” her words were genuine despite the hint of jealousy that tinted her voice and features till she reigned it back in.

The sound of the door opening and loud chatter from Emma and Henry returning distracted the women from their conversation.  Henry came dashing into the living room to see his mother, a smile plastered on his face. 

“Hi mom, hi aunt Zelena,” he greeted them and bent to hug his mom.

Regina gratefully accepted his hug, she was so grateful when he showed affection these days.  She would forever remember the times when she ached for it and he would endlessly refuse her.  “How was school?”

“Good,” he said straightening up and only pausing for a moment before as quickly as he had arrived he was turning and leaving.

“Remember to do your-” Regina started saying to his retreating back.

“Homework,” Henry finished already making his way upstairs.

Regina smiled after him fondly, he could still be a typical teenager despite everything.  Emma appeared in the doorway then, looking a bit sheepish like she was interrupting.

“Hi,” she raised her hand in an awkward wave before turning back around and following after Henry.  Emma had confided to Regina that she still felt bad about everything that had happened when she was the Dark One.  One of the things she mentioned was that she had not really even begun making up for it, mainly for the whole speeding up Zelena’s pregnancy and then trying to kill her.

Regina turned amused to look at Zelena who had an eyebrow raised at her and a knowing smirk plastered across her face.

“What?” Regina asked defensively, perhaps she was wasn’t doing such a good of a job hiding her feelings as she thought.

“Nothing Sis,” Zelena rolled her eyes in clear amusement.

 

* * *

 

It took a little less than a week for the Queen to show herself and of course, she brought chaos with her, Hyde was also there by her side.  The Queen was throwing fireballs that narrowly avoided townspeople who were running haphazardly away from them while they both laughed.  They seemed to be just causing trouble for the sake of it and their own enjoyment, maybe they wanted to make a statement or cause unsettlement when the town was only just getting back to normal.  Whatever it was they were certainly causing fear amongst the people.

Regina was in her office at Town Hall when she received the call from Emma, she could hear the noise in the background and knew that something was wrong.

A deep pang of worry hit her hard, “Emma?” she was unable to keep it out of her voice.

“Regina, it’s the Evil Queen and Hyde, they’re on Main Street.”  There was a loud crashing sound from Emma’s end of the line.  “Don’t co-”

Regina never did hear what Emma was about to say for the moment she heard ' _Evil Queen_ ', ' _Hyde_ ' and ' _Main Street_ ' she was gone, enveloped in purple smoke.  She’d dropped her phone in the process and it clattered to the ground with Emma left on the other side still talking.

At the same time, Regina appeared behind Emma, the blonde was shoving her phone back into her pocket exasperated.  The majority of Storybrooke had already fled which left Emma facing the Queen and Hyde with the pirate at one side and her parents on her other side.  Henry was still at school thankfully so he would be safe from harm.

As Regina came up behind the four of them the Queens' eyes flashed towards her and a menacing smirk spread across her features.  It was disconcerting knowing that she had in the past given others that very same look that was now causing a shiver to run down her spine.  It wasn’t very fun being on the other side of it.

“Finally, I thought you were going to be too cowardly to show your face,” the Queen drawled out.  Emma and the others turned sharply towards her, she found herself frozen in place and unable to do anything but stare ahead into her own face.  Hyde, who seemed to be finding some hilarity in the situation was laughing.

Regina wanted answers and so pushed through her fear, putting on the most authoritative voice she could muster, she asked, “how are you not dead?” it came out far shakier than she would have liked really.

Hyde just laughed all the more and the Queen joined in, her laugh came out cruel and cold.  “Isn’t it obvious Regina? Has your supposed redemption made you this dense?” the Queen smirked.

Regina swallowed hard, not appreciating being called dense but still, she managed to command, “answer me!”

“You,” the Queen bit out rolling her eyes.  “As long as _you_ live I cannot die, _you_ keep me tethered.  Now should you die then so shall we both.”

The colour drained from Regina’s face and again they were laughing, a mixture of the sound and the new information had her feeling sick to her stomach.  In a cloud of purple smoke, the Queen and Hyde vanished.  Regina was only vaguely aware that Emma and Snow were now beside her and trying to talk to her.

The Queen’s laughter was still ringing in her ears and it was not until Emma’s hand latched onto her arm, grounding her, that she became fully aware of her surroundings.

“I’m sorry,” she choked out, tears filling her eyes and threatening to spill over.

“No,” Emma gripped onto her arm harder, “don’t leave, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

How Emma had known that Regina was about to poof away in that moment she was unsure but never the less she looked up at the blonde, their eyes connecting and nodded.

 

* * *

 

The Queen and Hyde still laughing gleefully appeared in the front portion of Gold’s shop.

“Did you see the looks on their faces,” the Queen said through her laughter. 

“Oh yes, brilliant just brilliant,” Hyde replied with equal mirth.

A throat being cleared drew their attention to Gold who had been stood in the doorway to the back, drawn by the appearance of the pair.

“I hope you both enjoyed your bit of childish fun,” Gold deadpanned looking entirely unamused.

The Queen rolled her eyes playfully, “spoil sport,” she said exchanging glances with Hyde.

Gold ignored her and continued on with business, “before we begin I need your word that Belle will not be harmed while you’re busy working out your differences with your other halves.”

A pout appeared on the Queen’s face, “aww but that’s no fun.”  At the dark look that crossed Gold’s face she smiled cheekily and said, “Very well, I will not harm a hair on your beloved's head.”

“Yes, very well,” Hyde also agreed after receiving a pointed stare from the other man.

The Dark One stiffly inclined his head.  “Now what is it you so desperately wanted to discuss.”

“We have some information that you require and in return, we too would like some information,” Hyde drawled out.

“Why do you think I would want any information that you have?” Gold raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Well,” the Queen began, “it involves your bookworm and how one might go about waking her.”  The smug smirk that slid onto her face said it all, she knew Gold would cave to their deal, love is weakness after all and Belle is his weakness.

Gold swallowed hard, annoyance clear in his expression, “and what information do you want in return?” he enquired stiffly.

“Oh you know, just some general information about the town and certain residents.  You do know everything that goes on here don’t you?”  She was trying to play to his ego because despite having all of Regina’s memories there were still a few things she needed to know and Gold could be a valuable source of information.

“Very well,” he gave her a calculating stare and then said, “where would you like me to begin.”

The Queen grinned widely at that, “Emma Swan would be a good start.”

 

* * *

 

There was a lot of work to be done clearing away the wreckage that was left behind by Storybrooke’s most recent evil duo.  The majority of the town had shown up to aid the clean-up efforts and so it gave Regina an excuse to put her all into it and ignore everything else.  She was determined to help in any way that she could and try to fix any of the problems that were caused by her evil half.  She felt incredibly guilty for all that was happening despite reassurances that none of this was her fault, she still felt that she needed to make up for it all.

Jekyll joined her after a while, not that she paid the man any of her attention or even acknowledged his presence, as she was currently putting her all into trying to block out her surroundings.  The work helped in steering her mind away from more dangerous topics.  Only after several minutes of her ignoring him and he still not leaving but instead hovering around her awkwardly did she look up exasperated with her hands on her hips.

“What can I do for you?” she huffed out, impatience coating her tone.

“It’s just that I get it, wishing the worst parts of you away and then having no control as they run amok.”  His voice was far from confident when speaking and she had little patience today for his rambling.

She raised an eyebrow in response before huffing out, “the way I see it this is entirely your fault if you hadn’t made this an option in the first place none of this would be happening.”  She was mostly just lashing out even if he didn’t actually deserve her harsh words.

Jekyll replied tentatively, “no, I don’t think that’s the truth.”

“Of course not, I blame myself,” her words came out loud and harsh, the words bitter on her tongue.  She drew the attention of nearby townspeople who looked on sympathetically, if not also a little frightened by her outburst.  Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes, so she sharply turned her back on him not wanting him to see.

He opened his mouth to speak again but before he could get more than a sound out Regina demanded that he leave her alone.

“Go,” she gritted out when he didn’t leave her straight away.  She did not want to speak to anyone.

Much later, once they had returned to the mansion, not wanting to speak to anyone changed to except for Emma.  She found the younger woman’s presence comforting and reassuring.  There was something about Emma that made her want to open up to her, want to confess all that was on her mind and it was so very dangerous for the both of them, what if she revealed too much?

Each night that Emma was at the mansion, they stayed up long after Henry had gone to bed and just talked.  Sometimes their conversations were deep and meaningful and other times not so much but it was simple, their relationship, friendship.

Henry had barely made his way upstairs that night when the woman sat across from her turned towards Regina with a determined look in her eye.  Emma appeared to have a clear agenda and she did not beat about the bush but barrelled straight ahead as she was wont to do.

“Regina, none of this is your fault you know.”

Regina sucked in a breath, “no, it _is_ all my fault, I should never have done this.  Before she was my problem alone and now,” she placed a hand to her forehead.  “Well now she’s threatening everyone,” she just sounded tired, exhausted even.

Emma was soft yet determined when she spoke, “if anything it was mine and my mom’s fault, we encouraged you.”

Regina looked away, she could only blame herself, nothing Emma could say would change that.

“Placing blame isn’t going to help anything anyway, Jekyll thinks he has an idea that might get rid of the Queen but first he’s going to try it on himself and Hyde.”

That got Regina’s attention, her head snapping up to look at Emma again.  “What is he going to do?”

“Well I don’t know all of the details, I just heard bits from my mom but I do know that he plans to try whatever it is very soon.”

Regina nodded, there was a vague sense of hope that she could glean from that and she’d grasp at it for all it's worth, she was desperate for any way that she could free herself from the Queen’s choke hold. 

 

* * *

 


	3. The feeling of your soft lips

A few days later Regina needed to go to her vault and retrieve some magical items, they’d be enacting Jekyll’s plan the next day and there were some things that she might need to protect everyone should anything go awry. 

Of course, Henry begged to come along too and even though she didn’t feel entirely comfortable inside the vault anymore as she was fairly sure it was accessible to the Queen, she allowed him to come with her.  She planned to be quick, in and out with no time to linger any longer than was needed, there’d be little time for the Queen to discover they were there.  This was the only reason she’d allowed Henry to come and he had _begged_ her, she was well aware that her not so little prince had her wrapped around his finger but she did also want him to be happy.

They had barely been inside a minute when, as if she’d known the moment they’d entered, the Queen materialised in front of them.  Regina’s first instinct was to push her son behind her, to keep him away from _her,_ from _herself_.

“Henry,” the Queen smiled at him widely, it seemed to be genuine but Regina was wary and she did not want her anywhere near Henry if she could help it.

“ _No_ ,” she barked out, her voice harsh, “don’t speak to him,” she gained a sense of strength that she felt had been absent lately, from defending her child.

“Oh, you needn’t worry.  I won’t hurt him, not directly anyway.”  Her eyes twinkled.

“What does that mean?” Henry questioned, resulting in Regina gripping his arm, a clear sign that she didn’t want him to speak but really he was a willful boy.

The Queen laughed, “well, unfortunately, I’ll be hurting Regina here and thus indirectly hurting you too.  So unless you want to come over to my side and help me then alas you will be hurt also.”

“I’ll never be on your side,” Henry growled out.

Her voice took on a darker tone, “exactly what I thought, just as weak as she.  You have all this power with your pen and yet you do not use it.” 

“Stop it!” Her voice raised in volume, “ _don’t_ call _my_ son weak.”

“ _Our_ son, I think you’ll find I raised him too and have every right to-”

“ _No_ , you have no right,” spitting out the last word, Regina gripped onto Henry harder afraid of losing him even though she was sure he would never go to the Queen willingly.

The Queen snarled in return, “just you _wait_ till everyone you love is ripped away from you and then we will see who has no right.”

With that she was gone, leaving Regina still holding tightly to Henry and fear etched across her face and squirming in her stomach.

 

* * *

 

The Queen was _disgusted_ by what Regina had become, never would she have thought it possible.  The separation, it felt like a betrayal, a one that ran deep.  How dare she try to get rid of her when she had been there for Regina through everything, what would she be without her?  She’d been there in the darkest times to protect and shelter her when she otherwise would have broken.  Well, she had already seen to it that Regina regretted her actions but now she would also make sure that she suffered dearly for it.

She wouldn’t touch Henry, it frustrated her to no end but she did love him and she couldn’t quite let her need for vengeance stretch to him, not when she remembered holding him as an infant, rocking and soothing him.  She would keep him out of this as best she could but there was someone else.

 _Emma Swan_ , it was laughable really.  The _saviour_ , the very person who was predestined to be the end to her curse, the end of _her_ , was also the one Regina _loved_.  She felt it too, even now there was an inexplicable pull that was tugging her towards the saviour.  The blonde was a weakness that she needed to rid themselves from, that pull she felt was dangerous and removing her from the equation could also be a catalyst to Regina’s undoing.  She was a weakness that she could exploit to her heart’s desire.

She happened to know that not once had Regina truly acted on her feelings for Emma and so with that in mind and what she had gleaned from her earlier visit with Gold, she had a plan.

Similarly, to the night that she had first made herself known to Regina, she knocked at the door to the mansion.  She happened to know that Emma was alone, it was foolish that they had not thought that she would be watching them with her mirrors.  Regina had gone to her office to meet with Jekyll and Snow after leaving the vault and Henry was now with David.

The instant the door started to open the Queen poofed so that she was leaning against the door frame into the dining room.  She’d worn an outfit that hugged her figure and displayed her ample cleavage, her aim being to seduce Emma.

She cleared her throat to draw Emma’s attention to her, “hello saviour,” she husked out.

Emma was clearly startled and quickly spun around, “what do you want?” her tone indicated that she was in no mood for games which of course the Queen ignored.

The Queen smirked as she sauntered towards Emma, hips swaying, with glee she saw the Saviour's eyes roaming over her body.  She only stopped when they were almost touching and she rested a hand on Emma’s chest.

“Why, I want you.”  Despite loathing the feelings that they held for Emma, she could not deny the heat that the other woman’s presence set in her belly.

Emma visibly stiffened and a great many emotions flitted across her face.  If the Queen was reading her right, which she believed she was for she did know Emma very well at this point, then the biggest contenders were fear and worry but also desire which was most interesting of all but also confirmed her suspicions that the feelings weren’t only one sided.  She’d learnt as much from Gold who’d assured her that everyone was aware of the attraction there, not that it was ever discussed but it was obvious if you had your eyes open.  A great many people in town, however, did appear to walk around with their eyes shut, a certain pirate for one.

Their eyes were locked, deep chocolate brown boring into green and Emma gulped then tried to take a step back but the Queen took a step forward with her.  She raised her hand and ran her knuckles from the blonde’s cheek down to her jaw, a visible shiver ran through the younger woman and Emma leaned away from the touch.

“What are you doing?” the saviour stammered out.

“ _You_ ,” the Queen smirked confidently enjoying watching Emma squirm.  “I can see how much you _want_ me, don’t worry the feeling is mutual.  Regina does desire you so, which means that I do too.”  Her voice came out breathy towards the end and as she leaned into the blonde she could see Emma’s pupils dilating.

Words seemed to be failing Emma, for her mouth was opening and closing with nothing coming out.  She fixed an intense stare to the blonde who nearly immediately took a big step backwards and then continued moving back further.

With a flick of the Queen’s wrist, the door that had been left open slammed shut and Emma had nowhere to go anymore so she ended up backed up into it.  Perfect for what the Queen wanted, she moved towards her and didn’t stop till their bodies were pressed together.  Their faces so close that their breaths were mingling and she settled her knee between Emma’s legs.

“You want Regina but you see I am her,” her voice throaty with as much desire.

“No,” Emma’s voice shook and she tried to twist her head away from the brunette, “I can’t, she wouldn’t like it.”

“No, I don’t suppose she would.  But it’s interesting that your first concerns are with her and not about a certain pirate.”

Emma gulped visibly and the Queen smirked, their lips were almost touching, “well” she breathed out.  “I’m doing this exactly because I know she wouldn’t like it, I do want to hurt her after all and what better way to do it than through stealing those she loves.”

As she finished speaking the gap between them closed and their lips pressed together, there was almost no hesitation when Emma kissed back.  The Queen tangled blonde locks in her fingers and pulled Emma’s head back slightly to deepen the kiss.

The Queen bit down hard on Emma’s lower lip, drawing blood but despite the sharp hiss the blonde seemed to be enjoying herself, especially with the way her hips ground down onto her leg and the occasional breathy moan that escaped her mouth.  She also had a tight hold in the fabric of The Queens dress, pulling them closer together.

Emma’s cell chose that moment to go off and before the blonde could react, the Queen had snaked her hands into her pocket and glanced at who was calling.  Regina flashed up on the screen and the Queen had the most devious expression on her face, really she couldn’t have timed this better.  She hit answer and held the device to her ear, the woman underneath her looked horrified.

“Hello, dear Regina.”

“What are you doing? Why do you have Emma’s phone?” Panic was evident in the voice coming through.

“I thought I’d pay her a visit since you know, she _is_ the object of our affections.”  The horror on Emma’s face just made her wicked smile grow so much more and the panic in Regina’s voice, well she just ate that up.

“You haven’t hurt her?”  The more panicked that Regina sounded the happier it made the Queen.

“No, quite the opposite, in fact, I think she’s rather _enjoying_ herself,” she winked at Emma.

“You’re lying!”  Desperation and worry laced into Regina’s voice.

“Oh, I’m not,” with that she recaptured Emma’s lips and pushed her leg upwards hitting the saviours heated centre.

The groan Emma let slip could be easily heard through the phone and there was complete silence from the other end.  The Queen just pulled away from Emma, who was now flushing red and laughed her deep throaty laugh then was gone in a haze of purple smoke.

 

* * *

 

There was an unmistakable air of awkwardness in the mansion that night, neither women could look at each other without thinking of earlier.  Emma had hung up the phone without a word and Regina was angry, she wasn’t sure whether it was at her evil self, Emma or the fact that the Queen had kissed Emma before she had gotten the chance.  Really it was probably all of those things.  She stabbed at her pasta a little more viciously than was probably necessary considering that it had never done anything to her.

Dinner was subdued and Henry spent a lot of it looking from one mom to the other, trying to puzzle out exactly what was going on between them.  If it wasn’t for him trying to keep a flow of conversation going, then they would probably be sitting in complete awkward silence.

“Soooo, Violet has started school now,” Henry said obviously casting around for anything to say that would keep them talking.

“That’s nice, how has she found going to school?” Regina enquired.

“Well it’s a lot different than what she’s used to but I think she’s enjoying it,” Henry smiled.

That’s how much of the conversation goes, with Henry telling them about his day and either or both of his mom's commenting but never speaking to or looking at each other.

It was not until Henry had gone to bed that Emma finally cracked and said something.

“Regina, I’m _sorry_ ,” it came out more like a whine than anything else.

The brunette, however, took pity and turned from her position on the couch so that she was facing the blonde standing in her living room doorway.  She contemplated her for a moment before gesturing her over, they did really need to talk and avoiding it would just make things even worse between them.  Since they were living together, for now, it would be better to work through this than letting things fester.

When Emma had sat down next to her the silence continued on, neither really wanted to start such an awkward and messy conversation despite how necessary it was.  There’d always been so much between them and it was difficult, never mind the fact that they both struggled with opening themselves up though they have done it between them more often than with anyone else.

“Well I guess you know everything now,” Regina finally said when the silence became too much, she looked down at her hands rather than looking Emma in the eye.  She felt far too vulnerable, her feelings put out there unwillingly when she had never even spoken of them aloud,  _ever_.

“Here’s the thing,” Emma began slowly as if she was choosing her words carefully.  “I didn’t stop her.”

For some reason those words hurt, she was so confused about Emma kissing what could be considered her own self.  She briefly flicked her eyes towards the blonde but just as quickly looked away afraid of what she might see should she look Emma in the eyes.

“Please look at me,” Emma pleaded.

Regina kept her gaze fixed ahead until she felt Emma kneeling down in front of her and taking hold of her hands.  That had her looking into the other woman’s eyes, her breath caught in her chest when their eyes met.

“Listen, I didn’t stop her because-” she took a deep steadying breath.  “Because when I kissed her it was so easy to pretend that it was you.”

She just stared, her ears were playing tricks on her they must be, a tear fell unbidden down her face.  Emma gently cupped her cheek with one hand and wiped the tear away with her thumb.

“I wanted it to be you so bad,” with that Emma leaned forward and gently brushed her lips against Regina’s.

Regina felt as though she was dreaming, she had to be, there was no way that this could be happening.  Emma pulled away for a second and their eyes connected before simultaneously their lips pressed together again and it was oh so sweet, gentle and a bit messy but perfectly them.

It felt like time had frozen, they lost count of the minutes that went by and when they broke apart it was only for air and it felt like way too soon.  Tears were running down Regina’s face that she had barely taken notice of.

Emma sat back on the couch and pulled Regina against her, holding onto her and running her fingers through dark hair.

Regina relaxed into Emma’s arms and allowed herself a moment to contently sigh, she would soak this up for all it was worth whilst she could.  They could have this moment but who knew from there, the pirate would still be there after all and she could hardly see Emma ending things with him.

As if reading her mind Emma whispered gently her lips brushing against her temple as she spoke, “I need to think this through, but Regina, I’m always going to be here for you, always, no matter what, you need to understand that.”

They stayed that way for a long time, after a while Regina’s eyes eventually drifted shut as she fell asleep in Emma’s arms. At some point during the night, they woke and sleepily moved to their own beds but both with each other on their minds. 

 

* * *

 

In the morning Regina had expected that things would be awkward between them, she even hovered in front of her bedroom door before daring to open it and begin her day where she would have to come face to face with Emma.  The thing was though that actually it felt as though the air had been cleared, there was a mutual understanding of where they were at and both of their feelings were out.

Before they were each wary of showing the other affection, even if it was friendly, for fear that it would make them vulnerable and expose what they were truly feeling.  They didn't need to hide now, they knew what the other felt and despite not being able to act on it they no longer feared exposing themselves to each other.  So their touches lingered and at breakfast, as Regina poured coffee for Emma she let her hand rest on the blonde's back.  Emma squeezed Regina's arm in comfort when the topic of Jekyll's plan they'd be enacting later came up, the biggest change of all was the hug before they left the house.

Regina was a bundle of nervous energy and despite the fact that she was trying to hide it, it was painfully obvious to Emma who moved towards her and gripped her forearms gently, looking her in the eyes.

"Regina, whatever happens, it will be OK, we'll all be here for you.  _I'll_ be here."

A strangled sob escaped Regina’s mouth if this didn't work then what were they going to do?  She found herself being engulfed in strong arms and it made her feel grounded.  She relaxed into the hug and brought her arms around Emma in return, they had never done this before which seemed like a really odd thing now Regina thought about it.  The hug may have lasted a little longer than was strictly necessary but it gave her that strength she needed to keep going.  When they pulled apart she gave Emma a weak smile.

"Let's do this," Emma returned Regina’s smile with more enthusiasm.

 

* * *

 


	4. All I needed was the love you gave

They failed.  It had all failed.  The plan had been to kill Hyde, the theory being that if his body received enough damage then he would be unable to return.  What they hadn't been counting on was Hyde reaching forward and thrusting his hand into Jekyll's chest at the last second, pulling out his heart and crushing it between his fingers.  When Jekyll's heart turned to dust so did Hyde, Jekyll's body fell to the floor with a thump that seemed to echo through a stunned Regina.

She had been stood watching a short distance away as though it were all happening in slow motion.  A frustrated scream tore through the air and it took a moment for her to realise that it was her own scream.  She'd put so much into this and now Jekyll and Hyde were dead so what did that mean for her?  There was no one to help now, no one who knew this kind of magic.  Was the only way to be free of the Evil Queen through her own death?  Would she ever be free of her or was she doomed to be eternally tormented by her own darkness?

A high cackling laugh sounded from behind and when she spun around the Evil Queen herself was standing there.  Regina ran towards her but hands caught her around the waist before she could make it.  She wanted to hurt her, lash out and hit her, shake her hard and be rid of her.

Hot tears were splashing down her face as she struggled against the hold then quite suddenly she was back at the mansion.  She realised then that it was Emma holding onto her and she had transported them safely away from the chaos.

She was left feeling deflated and so she just slumped in Emma's hold.  Arms tightly wrapped around her, Emma was the only reason she was still upright, she guided Regina towards the couch and stayed wrapped around her when they both sat.

They didn’t speak, not for a long while anyway.  Emma just held her and let her get everything out, leaving it up to Regina to decide if and when she was ready to talk. 

 

* * *

 

Regina’s reaction and Emma grabbing a hold of her just had the Queen laughing more at the sight of them.  She’d been watching them through her mirrors and knew the things that transpired between them, she was sure that they would only cause each other more pain.  She had also been watching their attempt at destroying Hyde and though his death was certainly a setback it didn’t really mean much to her in the grand scheme of things.

“Get out of here,” it was Zelena who had spoken up.

“Oh my dear sister, you hurt my feelings,” a smile never left her face, however.  She only grew more amused when she noticed Zelena calling magic to her, “don’t be so silly, you know you can’t hurt me.  Save your energy for more important matters.”

“Did you just come here to gloat at Regina’s pain or do you actually want something?”  It was Snow who had spoken this time.

“Of course I came to see Regina’s _pain_ , it’s exactly what I wanted after all but while I’m here…” She shot out her hands towards Snow who was thrown back into the air and landed hard on the ground.

As the others ran towards where Snow lay in a heap, Zelena made a similar movement which she saw out the corner of her eye and blocked lazily, “you’ll have to do better than that Sister _dear_ if you want to do _anything_ to me.”

She laughed as Zelena silently fumed, “you know you could always join me and give in to your wicked ways.”

“Never,” Zelena shouted.

“Pity.”

 

* * *

 

When Regina finally did speak she wasn't entirely aware of how much time had passed and her first thought was of their son and how she didn’t want him to see her so upset and defeated.

"Henry," she croaked out, her voice hoarse from the crying.  "He should stay with your parents tonight."

"Ok, I'll let them know,” she soothed then paused before hesitantly asking, “do you want me to go too?"

"No" Regina’s answer came out sharp and fingers tightened on Emma's arm.  Henry couldn’t see her like this but she needed Emma.  Alone her mind would wander to dangerous territories.

"It's ok, I won't leave you if you don’t want me to."  She reached into her pocket and made the call to her parents asking if they would have Henry for the night.  They agreed immediately so that was one thing that they wouldn’t have to worry about for now.

Silence settled over them again, Regina’s mind was spinning from everything that had happened but Emma’s voice brought her out of it.

“Regina, talk to me, tell me what you’re thinking,” there was only honest concern in her words and worry.  Her voice was soft and soothing, it made Regina feel safe.

“I’m scared,” she admitted, her voice so vulnerable and barely audible.

“That’s understandable,” Emma gently took hold of Regina’s hand and rubbed her thumb over her fingers. 

Regina let out a soft sigh, “what if,” she paused, not wanting to say the thought out loud before pushing it out there.  “What if the only way to stop her is for me to…die.” 

“No, we would never let that happen, I would never let that happen.  We will work through this and find a way but I won’t _ever_ let you die.”

Emma’s voice was strong and sure, Regina wished that she could have as much conviction as Emma did but she just didn’t.  The words were comforting and left her feeling so much love for the blonde.  Under normal circumstances, she would never have done what she did next but these were not normal circumstances, the last 24 hours had been anything but normal between them.

Regina positioned herself so she was facing Emma, intensely looking into her eyes, trying to convey how much the words meant to her.  Then she crushed their lips together.

A fiery hunger awoke inside of her as Emma’s lips moved against her own, she moved so that she was straddling Emma’s thighs.  Her hands held tightly to the material of the blonde’s sweater, pulling them closer together.  Emma had one hand tangled in Regina’s hair and the other rested on her waist, they fit together so perfectly as if it were meant to be.

While their previous kiss had been soft and sweet, this one was heat filled and charged, it was all the tension and fear and years that they’d been through together.  Regina ran her tongue along Emma’s lower lip begging entrance which was granted. An insatiable need drove Regina, all cohesive thought gone as she was driven by instinct, the desire of the moment had her hands pushing underneath Emma’s sweater to touch bare skin.  Emma let out a small gasp but then pulled the sweater off over her head, breaking the kiss only briefly.

Regina let her hands wander, seeking to touch every inch of skin that she could, memorising it all with her touch.  When her fingers found the clasps of Emma’s bra she undid it quickly and rid the blonde of the item.  Her mouth moved to the younger woman’s neck and she used teeth and tongue, nipping the skin there before working her way to Emma’s breast then capturing a hardened nipple in her mouth.

“Oh fuck, Regina,” her voice came out breathy and her back arched seeking more.

It wasn’t long before they were both naked, clothes were strewn across the living room and the only sounds were soft gasps and moans of pleasure as they each explored the other's skin.  Passion and desire completely took over as naked skin pressed up against naked skin, their bodies moulding together.

Regina’s hand moved further down Emma’s body and she looked up into lust blown eyes seeking permission.  Emma gave a nod and Regina slipped her fingers between her legs, finding Emma wet and wanting.  The younger woman let out a whimper at the contact that caused a strong surge of desire to flood to her own centre and straddling one of Emma’s thighs she ground down and rocked her hips against it in her own desperate need.

She slid her fingers through wet folds and teased Emma’s entrance, the blonde’s hips jerked, seeking more.  She slid two fingers inside easily and used her thumb to seek out her clit causing Emma to moan out and bury her face into Regina’s neck.  The brunette matched the pace of her own rhythm against Emma’s thigh and it didn’t really take long at all for the saviour to be shuddering against her fingers and crying out her name.  Shortly after Regina too was groaning out as she came hard against Emma’s thigh.

At some point they moved to Regina’s bedroom and then much later collapsed spent, chests heaving, a tangle of limbs wrapped around each other.  Sleep overtook them quickly and for Regina, it was by far the best sleep that she had had in a good long while.

 

* * *

 

She woke in a strange haze the next morning and for a moment before she became fully aware she felt completely at ease, content.  Then the events of the previous day came flooding back and her eyes snapped open.  She was face to face with Emma, who still slept peacefully, their foreheads resting against each other, their legs entwined and Emma had a hand resting across Regina's waist protectively.

Regina sighed, this was potentially a huge mistake, not to her but for Emma.  In the moment desire had taken over from rational thought and Emma was in a relationship, with a man, if you could call him that, who didn't deserve her but she was still nevertheless in a relationship.

Would things change now?  Would they go back to how things had been before they kissed? Stilted touches and pauses filled with unsaid words.  It had only been a day since they'd reached a better place and now- well who knew what would happen.  She could only think of all the bad possibilities, not daring to hope for more. Emma had gone to hell for the pirate, she would never just throw that away.

Regina had gone to hell for Emma, it had all been for Emma, Robin- well in the moment of it all she had held little regard in what he might have wanted.  A pang of guilt hit her, his death had only been two weeks ago and here she was eagerly climbing into bed with Emma.  If she were to be honest with herself she had never felt as satisfied as she had with the woman next to her.

Oh, Emma, her face was relaxed and carefree in her sleep, you'd never know everything she had been through in the past months.  She carefully lifted a hand and caressed soft skin, running her fingers along Emma's cheek and jaw, pushing stray hair back away from her face.

That's when Emma stirred and Regina moved her hand away, her heart thudding in her chest, fearful of the blonde’s reaction.  She needn't have feared anything though for a sleepy smile tugged at Emma's lips as her eyes flickered open, Regina returned the smile gratefully.

"You're so beautiful," Emma breathed out.

Regina scrunched her face in amusement and whispered, "so are you."  She moved her fingers back to tracing along the younger woman’s jaw.

Regina wanted to stay as they were, in each other's arms with not a care in the world forever, where there were no pirate boyfriends or Evil Queens who were out to get them.  Knowing that would never happen she soaked up the moment, wanting to memorise every tiny detail of the here and now, the way the early morning sun shone through the window casting soft, glittering light over them and the softness of Emma’s skin against her own.

At some point though, they had to get up, their peaceful bubble had to pop.  When they finally decided to move Emma held Regina's gaze and rested a hand against her cheek.

"I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens from here that this meant a lot to me.  What we have is special and you mean a lot to me, even if we just have these moments, I _will_ cherish them."

Regina just nodded in reply, it hurt but she understood that for now, the future was uncertain, though she couldn't help but hope that there could be more of these moments.  Emma still leant in and pressed a soft lingering kiss to her lips and then they had to start their day, carry on like nothing unusual had happened between them.

 

* * *

 

Regina was in the kitchen making a pot of coffee and was considering starting on breakfast when Emma came in looking uncertain and guilty.  She held her phone in her hand which had been left downstairs the night before.  
  
"Erm...Killian wants me to meet him at Granny's for breakfast."  
  
"You should go then," Regina couldn't decipher whether Emma was feeling guilty for leaving her or for what had happened between them, perhaps it was both.  
  
There was an air of awkwardness that settled over them and Emma just muttered a "yeah, I guess, I'll see you around," and left without another word or glance back.  
  
That left Regina alone with her thoughts and insecurities, her stomach felt knotted with nerves.  So much at the moment was unsure and it troubled her, she was meticulous for the most part and liked to have some plans and certainties that she could hold onto.

 

* * *

 


	5. Every piece of me loved you

Regina tried to keep herself busy during the day by researching through her old books on ways to rid herself of the Queen but by mid-afternoon what little concentration she had had was gone.  Her first thought was to call Emma but that idea was quickly shoved away, she’d wait for Emma to contact her first, give her some space and time to sort things out for herself, to decide what was going to happen next.  She could still see the guilty uncertainty that had been on her face when she had left that morning without even saying goodbye, it did worry her immensely.

Instead of delving deeper into her worries and fears she decided on inviting Zelena over to catch up. What with everything going on there had been little time to just be sisters together and she really did need someone that she could talk to. 

Zelena was there pretty quickly since she preferred to poof herself everywhere instead of driving.  They’d actually had a conversation on why Regina even bothered with her car when she had magic she could use to get around.

They made casual conversation, about how Zelena was managing and Robyn as Regina busied herself around the kitchen making coffee.  It was not till Regina sat down placing the two mugs of coffee in front of them that they really started talking.

Zelena told her what had happened with the Queen after she and Emma had left.  Halfway through Zelena’s story was when she quite uncharacteristically blurted out, “I slept with Emma.”  Her eyes widened in horror at what she had said out loud.

The redhead responded only with a raised eyebrow and Regina’s cheeks tinted deep red.

“I- I mean…well, she’s still with…” she trailed off lamely, not knowing what to say.

“But she’s going to leave him? Isn’t she?” Zelena urged.

“I don’t know,” she sighed out, a pained expression crossing her features.

At this the woman in front of her looked completely exasperated, “she can’t just sleep with you and leave you, you’re worth more than that.”

A sad smile tugged at Regina’s lips but before she could say anything else Zelena was speaking again.

“No, Regina.  Fight for her if you must, that pirate isn’t worthy of anyone never mind the saviour of Storybrooke.”

“She went to _hell_ for _him,_ ” her voice cracked as she spoke, emotions she was trying to keep hidden were coming bubbling up to the surface.

“ _You_ went to hell for _her_.”

Regina just stared at her sister, she _had_ gone to hell for Emma.

“Look, you may think that no one knows but that is not the case at all.  You and Emma, well it’s just so obvious, the way you look at each other.  You’re both heads over heels in love and are completely denying yourselves the opportunity that has been sitting in front of your faces for years.”

She opened her mouth to say what she didn’t really know but was thankfully interrupted by her cell phone which was sitting next to her on the counter.  Emma flashed up on the screen and it felt like her heart skipped a beat, she looked from the phone to Zelena then picked it up and answered, pressing it to her ear.

“Hello,” she breathed out as she stood and exited the kitchen in order to seek privacy.

“Hey,” Emma sounded nervous.

There was a pause where neither of them spoke, the awkwardness from earlier seemed to be seeping through the phone.  Regina worried that this would be them now, their friendship filled with awkward silences because they’d stepped over the boundary that had been there for such a long time.

“So…I talked to Killian this morning…”

“And?” Regina practically squeaked it out, nerves getting to her.

“Regina, I’m sorry.”

She could feel her heart breaking, even though she’d known to not get her hopes up she had done anyway.

“I love Killian and he’s been through so much that I just can’t hurt him.”

She squeezed her eyes shut tight, trying to block out the tears that were coming anyway.  It was all about the pirate but what about what Emma? Regina wanted to shout it through the phone.  The rejection was too much on top of everything else, so Emma felt that it was ok to hurt her but not the wretch who tried to kill them all mere weeks ago.

She’d been silent for a while and Emma finally spoke again, “Regina, _please_ say something.”

There were so many things that Regina wanted to say and she felt like none of them would be enough so instead she took the phone away from her ear and took a few steadying breaths before continuing on.  “If that is your decision Miss Swan then ok,” there was a quiver in her voice that she tried so hard to stop.

“Regina,” Emma sounded upset but Regina was busy trying to wrestle her emotions into submission so that she would not feel the bitter sting of rejection.  She tried harder to slip on a mask that she’d worn so well over the years, a one that hid her pain from the world.

“Your presence in this house is no longer needed, you can pick up your things another time, good day Miss Swan.”  She hung up not letting the blonde on the other end get another word in, she’d almost winced at how cold and indifferent she sounded, _almost_.

She crumpled after that, her mask crumbling and great heaving sobs wracked through her body.  She seemed to find herself crying a lot since the separation from the Queen, it left her in a much more fragile emotional state.  A lot of her usual defences seemed to have gone to her other half whilst she was left feeling a vulnerability she hadn’t felt since she was a young girl sold by her mother to be wed to a man far older than herself.

Zelena hesitantly appeared around the doorway but rushed to her little sister when she saw her and wrapped an arm around her tightly, stroking her hair in an attempt at comfort.

“She doesn’t deserve you, Regina,” Zelena soothed rocking her gently in her arms.

“No,” Regina sobbed out but didn’t say anything more on the matter, if anything she believed that she wasn’t worthy of Emma.

It took a long while for Regina to calm down but what certainly helped was Henry returning home at her request.  She’d also asked if Zelena would be willing to stay the night, even if it meant that baby Robyn would stay too.

 

* * *

 

Night had fallen and the Queen stood in the shadows of 108 Mifflin Street, she was drawn to the place far more than she would accept.  She hoped to catch a glimpse of Henry, no matter what Regina said he was still her son.  She got one better instead for he came outside and stood apparently staring into the distance.  
  
She had a moment of contemplation of whether or not she should reveal herself to him, but in the end, she needed to hear his voice and look at him even if when he looked back there would only be hate.  So she made herself known, stepping out of the shadows and softly speaking, she did not want to startle him, partially because if he made a sound and Regina was alerted to her presence she was sure it would not end well but also she didn’t want to frighten him.  “Henry.”  
  
She could see him stiffen in the dark but he did not make a sound as he turned to face her, “evil mom,” he greeted.  She couldn’t help roll her eyes at that as she stepped closer so as to see his face better.  
  
“What are you doing here?” his voice was full of suspicion that almost stung if she had not remembered that she had been threatening his mom.  
  
“I just wanted to see you,” it felt strange admitting it out loud, showing her weakness.  Her skin crawled at the thought and she hated him as much as she loved him because he made her feel so much, yet she couldn’t bear to hurt him.  
  
“Really?” there was a note of scepticism in his voice.  
  
“Yes, I do love you, Henry,” and suddenly she was reminded of the day the curse broke and can see by his expression that Henry too had been reminded of that day.  She shudders, uncomfortable with how exposed she felt and so changed the subject, “does Regina know you’re outside?”  
  
He looked sheepish and kicked the dirt at his feet, “no, she doesn’t.”  There was a momentary pause as if he wasn’t sure whether he should reveal more but when he looked up at her his eyes softened and he spoke anyway, “I needed some air.”  He took a deep breath, “things are a bit complicated right now, I think my moms are arguing.”  
  
“Oh?” she couldn’t help the smug satisfaction that was brimming inside her but she did not let her face betray her.  
  
“Yeah,” now that he’d started talking it seemed that he couldn’t stop, “mom was really upset when I came home today and Emma’s not staying the night like she has been.  Mom doesn’t even want to talk about her.”  
  
Before the Queen had any time to say anything else the sound of someone from inside calling Henry’s name could be heard and judging by his expression he heard too.  As he headed back inside he turned and gave her a wave of his hand before shutting the door and leaving her standing outside with her own thoughts, and a plan now forming in her mind.

 

* * *

 

Regina eyed Henry curiously when he came back inside, “were you talking to someone outside?”

“No,”

She pursed her lips because she was sure she’d heard him speaking to _someone_ but couldn’t figure out why he’d be lying about it unless it was Emma, but why would she be here?  She shook her head and instead of dwelling too much wrapped an arm around Henry as he drew closer.

His presence was just as grounding as Emma’s and even if she would never have Emma in the way she wanted at least she had Henry.  She’d work things out with Emma and they’d be friends and it might be painful and unsatisfying but it was better than nothing. 

They headed back towards the living room where Zelena and Robyn were, the TV was on and in that moment her sister did feel like family.  She pressed a kiss to Henry’s head and smiled at him reassuringly, he knew something was wrong no matter whether she spoke of it or not.  Maybe it was selfish to bring him back here when she was so unsteady emotionally but she needed him and she needed to remember how much they loved each other.  She no longer felt that she could or would ever regress to that place of hatred and anger, but having him there kept her steady.

So they sat, the three of them and the baby and it was nice despite what had brought them all together.  Emma was of course always floating in the back of her mind but that was no different than usual since she quite often found the saviour creeping into her thoughts anyway.  What would Emma do?  Would Emma like this?  Those were just a few of the thoughts that would invade her mind daily.  Now her thoughts were far more sombre when it came to the younger woman but she always knew that it might come to this.

 

* * *

 

Her talk with Henry having given her a plan, the Queen headed first to the vault, she needed to find out where Emma Swan was at this exact moment.  Upon entering she headed straight for the mirror on the wall and waved her hand over its surface.

A swirling fog filled the glass and then cleared, replaced with an image of Emma sat at the docks looking out onto the water.  She appeared to be deep in thought and not paying attention to her surroundings, an easy target, alone and out in the open.

With a devious smirk plastered over her face, the Queen did an overly dramatic wave of her hand and was shrouded in purple smoke.  She rematerialised directly in front of the saviour not bothering with subtlety for what was the point when she would much rather go with some dramatic flair when given the opportunity.

Emma was obviously startled from her daze, gaping up at the Queen who smirked down at her.  “Oh Emma,” she said in a mocking voice filled with glee. “Have you been breaking hearts today; didn’t you know? that is _my_ job." 

Still, Emma didn’t speak, she appeared to have been shocked into silence and perhaps it was because Regina’s face stared down at her, the woman who she’d just hurt so deeply yet trusted so much.  She didn’t raise her guard and it cost her dearly when the Queen thrust her hand into Emma’s chest and clamped her fingers around her heart before roughly tugging it out.

She showed no care of the pain that radiated through Emma, for the Queen may be Regina but without the softer edges, emotionally cold and lacking any warmth.  Full of raw anger and hurt that constantly shifted and simmered near the surface, the Regina that held onto her grudges with an iron grip and that was what fuelled her now.

Gasping, Emma didn’t fight back but instead whimpered out, “I hurt her.”

The Queen faltered for a second at the lack of fight in the woman before her but the look of utter defeat had a triumphant smile growing on her face, this is what she wanted after all.  “Yes, yes you did, just what I wanted.”

“How did you know I’d choose Killian though?”

It was then that the completely unexpected happened and that anger that simmered was suddenly boiling and brimming over, it felt white hot and uncontrollable.  It was completely irrational but hearing it out loud from Emma made it feel as though it had been she who was placed second to that pirate and really it had been which just fuelled things more.

“I know you,” she hissed out and it was a wonder that she wasn’t shouting, the rage had her shaking and Emma looking up startled.  “You think that you need to give everyone their happy ending even when it is a filthy pirate who doesn’t deserve you.”  Breathing heavy she raged on unable to stop herself saying everything that Regina had thought but not dared admit out loud, “he forced himself on you and claimed you as his happy ending and that _stupid_ saviour complex meant that you gave in.  I get it, he is far easier to give yourself to than _me._ You just have to be with him and that’s it but we’re more than that, so much more and it frightens you.” 

It was Emma’s choked out attempt at words that violently pulled her back from her rage, it was far too late though when she realised her too tight grip on the Saviour's heart.  As she looked the bright pulsing heart was already beginning to crumble and she was powerless to do anything to stop it.

Stunned horror coursed through her, she had always meant to kill Emma, that had been her plan all along, the ultimate way to get back at Regina.  But now faced with the reality of it she had a sudden realisation that she would never have been able to go through with it.  Damn it she just loved the woman too much and had been a complete fool to think otherwise. 

She didn’t dare look up from her hand to the now slumped over woman in front of her.  Instead, she pulled in all the anger she could manage, letting it steady her in the familiarity of it and barrelled up walls to the point where she could shove aside the pain.  Then she fled.

 

* * *

 


	6. You gave all that you had and now I am whole

After spending the evening with Zelena and Henry it had been quite late when Regina had gone to bed and so she was still asleep when Snow phoned.  The sound was shrill in her ears and had her grumbling as she tried to clear her sleep fogged brain.  It took a moment to figure out what the sound was before she reached over for her phone on her bedside table.  She didn’t even look properly at who was calling when she answered.  
  
“Yeah?” her voice was groggy and sleep filled.  
  
“Regina it’s Emma something is wrong she’s not been answering her phone and no one has seen her since yesterday and she never went home,” it all came out in one breath.  Snow's voice was just as shrill as the sound of her phone had been but the words had barely left her mouth and Regina was already flinging herself out of bed.  
  
“Where are you?” she was trying to keep her voice steady for Snow when really panic was welling up in her chest, and threatening to suffocate her.  
  
“We’re at her house, I’m with Neal but Hook and David got a search party together and are out looking for her.”   
  
“Ok.  I’ll be right over, let me know if she’s found before I get there.”  
  
“Please hurry.”  
  
With that Regina hung up and used magic to change clothes since it was far quicker.  Zelena would not be happy at being woken when she had to be up with a baby but she needed her to know where she was in the event that she wasn’t there when she and Henry woke.  
  
As expected Zelena was not pleased to be woken but she had little time to care about her sister when Emma was missing.  
  
It was probably minutes between Snow’s call and Regina appearing outside Emma’s house.  She was hurrying inside before the purple smoke around her had even cleared.  She’d barely even cleared the door when Snow came rushing towards her, Neal propped up on her hip and worry written across her face.  
  
“Regina, I-” before she could finish speaking Leroy, with Happy trailing behind him, came barrelling through the door.  Leroy shouting as he went since that seemed to be the only volume he could speak at.  
  
“One of those Land of Untold Stories' folk said they think they saw Emma down by the docks.”  
  
Regina glanced over at Snow with a meaningful look in her eyes and nodded her head.  She didn’t even wait for her to say anything else and she was gone as quickly as she had come.  
  
The docks were eerily quiet, it was still early enough that there was no one around and on first glance, she didn’t see Emma.  She nearly assumed that it was a false lead before something caught her attention out the corner of her eye.  
  
She saw a blonde head of hair sticking up from a bench in the distance and for the briefest moment relief washed over her.  
  
“Emma!” she shouted.  She started running and called her name again but there was not even the hint of a response or sign that she had been heard.  That’s when the dread sunk in, something was _very_ wrong.  
  
Emma was slumped at an awkward angle that she hadn’t noticed from the distance and as she drew closer she could see how pale her skin looked.  “Emma,” her voice cracked and she finally was in front of the bench.  Wide open eyes stared back at her.  
  
Her heart thudded hard in her chest, “no, no, no, no, this can’t be happening.”  She crouched before the blonde and her fingers closed on pale, cold skin, she couldn’t find a pulse and when she rested her head against Emma’s chest there was only silence.   
  
“Emma, please don’t leave me, I need you,” she cradled her head in her arms and pressed kisses to her forehead, cheeks and lips but nothing happened.  Images of Robin and Daniel similarly held in her arms flashed through her mind.  
  
“I can’t lose someone else, especially not you,” she was speaking through tears, and her voice cracked as she spoke.  She placed a hand over the spot where Emma’s heart should have been and she called all the healing magic that she could and tried all her might to bring her back even when she knew her attempts were futile, nothing was happening.  She couldn’t even sense that her heart was there and an anguished sob escaped unwilling as she realised what that meant, that if she couldn’t feel it then it wasn’t there.  
  
She held on tight to the woman she’d loved with all her heart, who she’d loved for such a long time but not once told and wept with despair.  She was hardly even aware when others joined her, it was all muffled out background noise.  
  
Soft hands cupping her cheeks and tilting her face upwards pulled her back and she tried hard to focus on who was in front of her.  Through tear blurred vision she could see an equally distressed Snow.  
  
“Regina, you have to let her go,” and oh it hurt so much to hear those words but she still let strong arms pull her up.  She collapsed into Snow as soon as she was upright and they both held tight as if they were the others lifeline.  
  
Everything was a blur, at some point Hook arrived and was forcing his way amongst them and she couldn’t look as he did exactly what she had done moments before.  
  
“Henry, I need to tell Henry,” she whimpered out and the thought chilled her insides because how could she tell him and crush his world.  Heroes were supposed to always win, not die mid story.

 

* * *

 

Telling Henry was probably one of the worst moments of Regina’s life and she’d had so many but watching Henry’s face crumple was heart wrenching and unbearable.  She’d held onto him after that, there was nothing she could say, no way to make this any better and it left her feeling like she was drowning.

“Mom.”

His voice was so small and broken that it pulled her away from her thoughts.

“Mom, I think I did something really bad.”

“What is it Henry?” she spoke into his soft brown hair, her arms tightening around him, wanting to take away all of his pain. 

He told her about the Queen visiting the night before, what he’d told her.  He sobbed out how this was probably all his fault that it was probably her who had gone after Emma.

She didn’t know if she could take any more today but she had to push forward for her sons’ sake.

“Are you mad?” she might not have heard him if they hadn’t been pressed so closely together and his question made her heart drop.

She gently tugged his face up so that he was looking into her eyes as she spoke, “no, of course, I’m not.  None of this is your fault, not at all ok.  If it even was her then you could never have known what she would do.”

If it was the Queen, then it was all her fault but she’d cross that bridge when she came to it because she just couldn’t bear contemplating what that would mean.

 

* * *

 

The Queen paced backwards and forwards amongst the trees near Gold’s cabin where she had been staying.  She was restless and couldn’t get the image of the Saviour's heart dissolving between her fingers out of her head.  It just made her angrier, all of it, she absolutely refused to give in the throbbing pain that was being covered by her anger.  
  
At the very least the one positive outcome was that this would break them, she was sure of it, it would break Regina and this town.  She could take over and make them suffer worse than they ever had come close to during the curse.  
  
At the sound of approaching footsteps, she abruptly stopped her pacing and looked up.

 

* * *

 

Regina was left sitting on the couch in her living room with thoughts of the Queen whirring around her mind, she had to know if it was her or not.  She felt reckless like she had little to lose and confronting the Queen would keep the crushing pain at bay for a little while longer.  She could lash out her internalised anger onto someone who was her and just as deserving of it in her own eyes.  Never mind the fact they weren’t even sure how to get rid of her double in the first place but that was just how reckless she felt.  
  
Snow appeared tentatively in the doorway, Henry would have run past her in his haste to get upstairs for some time alone.  She was also dimly aware that Zelena stood just behind Snow but no one spoke.  
  
Then after the quiet was too much and had gone on too long to be considered not awkward Regina spoke, “I’m going to face her.”  
  
“Who?” Snow asked and even though Regina hadn’t looked up from the spot she had fixed her gaze on since Henry left the room, she could hear the worry and confusion lacing the word.  
  
“The Queen,” her voice was unnervingly calm as if she hadn’t just announced that she would be going to face her evil doppelgänger who wanted nothing more than to harm her.  
  
“Regina,” Snow sounded tentative and concerned but Regina found she didn’t care and felt like a sort of clarity had settled over her in her decision.  
  
She finally looked up to meet Snow’s eyes and she spoke just as calmly, “you aren’t going to be able to change my mind, I’m going to do this.”  
  
“But Regina, you might get hurt and what about Henry? He’s already lost one mother, he can’t lose another.”  
  
At Henry’s name, a tiny flicker of doubt trickled into her thoughts but she shook it away as quickly as it had come.  “I’ll be fine and even if I’m not he has you and David.  There are so many people who will look out for him and I know that you all will take care of him.”  
  
Snow looked like she wanted to protest more but Regina held up her hand in a gesture that meant she would not be argued with or stopped.  “I’m going, alone and there is nothing you can do to stop me.  She won’t kill me, not if she still wants to live.”  
  
That had been the end of the conversation and then there she was, stood a distance away from the Queen, hidden only by bushes, watching her pace furiously.  Before she’d left she told Henry that she had somewhere she needed to go and in his state of grief, he hadn’t even questioned her.  She felt guilty for leaving him and hurt enough for him too, but she had to put everything away and focus on what came next.  
  
She breathed in and out slowly, gaining strength before stepping out and moving towards the Queen.  She didn’t bother to hide that she was there and it was mere moments till the Queen stopped and furiously pinned her gaze on her.  
  
They both stood stock still, locked in each other’s gaze, neither moving a muscle or daring to speak, just silently sizing each other up.  Then the Queen shot a fireball towards Regina but she sensed it coming and stepped aside to avoid it.  
  
That got the Queen mad, a low growl ripped from her throat and she shot another fireball which Regina also avoided.  This happened several times before the Queen stopped and they were back to silent staring.  
  
The Queen seemed to be unnerved by Regina’s silence and so it wasn’t long before she was barking out, “what do you want?”  
  
Still, Regina didn’t reply, not straight away anyway, for she had realised something.  She could easily read the Queen, with her being, well her, she instinctively could feel and see the anger that seemed to roll off her and would burn anyone who approached.  Equally, she sensed that the anger was covering the hurt she felt too.  
  
“You know, don’t you,” it was more of a statement than a question, “you loved her too.”  
  
More fireballs came that Regina just sighed at and avoided.  She felt that this just proved her point more, the Queen loved Emma.  
  
“She chose that scum over us,” the Queen growled, “she deserved death.”  
  
Regina winced at that but could clearly see now that unshed tears lingered at the Queen’s eyes.  “No, she didn’t. I don’t believe you think that either, she deserved to be happy, whether that was with us or another.”  
  
“She’d have never been happy with him forever.”  
  
“That’s not for us to say,” Regina looked sad, she pitied the Queen who lashed out in anger from pain.  It was a defence and it had been her defence for a very long time.  
  
At that moment she didn’t see the monster that she’d seen before but a human being who was sad and lonely.  That had been her but then she’d had Henry, then Emma and the others that made her feel like she could finally belong somewhere. She started this when she threw the Queen away like she wasn’t an integral part of her very being.  She’d abandoned herself and left her hurt, she’d done exactly what so many people had done and then been surprised that the Queen lashed out.  
  
The Queen had been there when she had felt utterly defenceless because how else would she have survived all those years of abuse at the hands of others.  The person she was now without the Queen would have withered and let herself be walked on till only an echo remained.  Yes, she’d killed and hurt more people than she would ever be able to count but without the Queen would she even be alive now?  Probably not.   
  
Regina suddenly felt so very overwhelmed by her conclusion and it was not like getting rid of the Queen had gotten rid of the guilt, she still felt it.  It simmered under the surface and though she was less likely to lash out she had also been far less able to deal with her emotions.  She was completely overwhelmed by them, she felt fearful a lot more than she had ever felt, small and weak, she wasn’t coping well.  
  
She needed the Queen.  Needed her to be her defence so that when she hurt she didn’t crumble completely.  Needed her because she was her and without her, she had been only a shadow of her former whole self.  She was part of her, she wasn’t just the monster that murdered and Regina wasn’t all innocent.  
  
Getting rid of the Queen did not rid her of her past.  If anything the Queen was just as much that small girl who was abused by her mother and sold to the man so much older than herself.  The part of her that had never known love and friendship and had no other survival choice than become what she did in order to survive.  The split was not as simple as just removing the Evil parts and that being it, when she removed the Queen she’d removed things that made her, her.   
  
She had the sudden overwhelming urge to wrap her arms around the Queen and hold her tightly.  She was so glad that they never destroyed her because that would have been killing a part of herself, a part that she now realised she needed.  
  
“I’m sorry,” it came out choked as she tried to fight back tears.  “I…I need you, I always needed you.”  
  
The Queen’s face softened, she seemed to deflate as though letting go of the anger that had been fuelling her, as though Regina had all but wiped it away with her words.  She didn’t say anything and so instead of just saying it, Regina decided to show it too.  
  
She lurched forward and wrapped the Queen in her arms and held on as tightly as she’d felt she needed to.  At first, the Queen stiffened and then she melted into the hug, both of them gripped onto each other as if they were each other’s anchors.  
  
Then the tears fell and they were both openly sobbing into each other and they felt whole again, each feeling the parts that they hadn’t even realised they’d been missing.  The intensity of the moment prickled against Regina’s skin, magic seemed to be radiating from them.  
  
If the moment they had separated had been immensely painful, then the moment that they merged together again was the complete opposite.  It felt wonderful, warmth spreading throughout her body.  It was how it felt to hold Henry close and the times she’d been with Emma, holding her, kissing her, making love to her.  It was all those moments of acceptance and belonging that got her to this point and a smile that she hadn’t felt in weeks crept upon her face.  
  
If only it would last.

 

* * *

 


	7. Only love could ever hit this hard

_The Queen’s memories didn’t come straight away, they slowly trickled into her subconscious over the hours after the merge._

Regina had heard a shout from behind her and when she turned she saw Snow and David approaching, it had been Snow who’d called out to her.  When they were closer she breathed out, “she’s gone.”

“We saw,” David said.

Snow pulled her into a hug and whispered into her ear, “are you ok? How does it feel?”

“Yes,” her voice was sad though and Snow seemed to understand, she was glad to be whole again but loss still hung over them, “it feels like I’m me again.”

Snow smiled weakly and linked arms with Regina.

Back at the mansion, she requested time to be alone with Henry, she needed rest and time to be with her son.  The others left though they had lingered a little longer just to make sure she was ok, which she did appreciate.  The night had made her all the more grateful for the people in her life.

She checked in on Henry and found him asleep in his bed, his face was marred with dried tears.  Regina gently ran her thumb over his cheek then placed a kiss on his forehead and pulled the covers that were only covering his legs all the way up.  At the doorway she lingered for a moment, watching him, before going to her own room, she’d try to rest for a while.

A handful of memories had returned to her up until then, they were slowly filtering in, just small snippets at first but while she slept they came quicker.  They made her sleep fitful and disturbed, she saw them, felt them exactly as the Queen had and there were not many good ones.  Guilt was creeping into her chest and no matter how much she accepted the Queen as part of her she felt responsible for everything that she had done.  The separation should not have happened in the first place and she never accepted that Emma felt that she and Snow had been more to blame, especially not now.

Some of the memories flashed by and were barely of note but then there were others, she was kissing Emma against the door of the mansion.  She was with Gold in his shop and he shared information with her and Hyde, then there were moments with Hyde that she wished she could burn from her mind.  She saw herself sobbing with Emma holding her back before they disappeared in white smoke with a high pitched laugh ringing around them that came from herself.  She watched a mirror with the image of herself and Emma entwined together on it and felt great pleasure and jealousy knotting her insides.  She spoke to Henry and she could feel the affection that even the Queen held for him.  Then there was Emma.

She shot up in bed, breathing heavy with tears soaking her face.  The walls felt like they were pressing in around her and the image of a heart, Emma’s heart, crushed between her fingers burned itself into her brain.

Regina knew, had an inkling, that the Queen had likely been behind it but until then she’d pushed it away and refused to fully believe that it was possible.  She couldn’t hide from it now.  She’d killed Emma.  She’d killed the woman she was in love with and had been powerless to do anything to stop it.  The Queen may have been the one who had physically done it but she was the Queen and so she was entirely responsible.

Great heaving sobs wracked through her body and she clutched tightly at her bedsheets, she was shaking and couldn’t stop.  She retched and made it to her bathroom in time to throw up what little she had eaten the day before.  She stayed there on the bathroom floor for a long while, resting her head against the cool hard surface of the edge of the bath tub.

At some point she moved back to her bed and stared up at the ceiling, unseeing, thoughts of Emma and incredible waves of guilt and horror washed over her.  Each memory had felt like a stab to the gut, she didn’t really sleep after that.  She didn’t even move.

She had no clue what time it was when Henry came to see her and she couldn’t even bare to look at him.  She’d killed his mother.  He’d be devastated if he found out and would likely never speak to her again.  Her ever intuitive boy, he’d known straight away that something was very wrong, his mother was unresponsive and it had frightened him.  Regina could see that but she still couldn’t respond.  It wasn’t till he said, “I’ll go call Grandma,” that she jerked upright and gripped his arm.

“No,” it came out halfway between a growl and a sob and Henry looked at her a little shocked.  He didn’t say anything else but left the room giving her frightened glances over his shoulder as he left.  He’d been sleeping when she’d returned so he didn’t even know that the Queen was gone.

After a while, she decided that she needed to move if only to make sure Henry wasn’t here to see her falling apart.  So she got him to pack a bag and call Snow, she unlocked the door so that he could go but didn’t show herself, not like this.  When they were gone she locked the door behind them, no one had keys to get in, so Henry would not be able to return without her letting him in.  It was for the best.

It hurt to let him go, far more than leaving him during the night, but she would be no good for him in this state and if he ever did find out, if anyone ever found out what she’d done.  Well, she shuddered at the thought.

 

* * *

 

Days seemed to blur together and Regina had no clear indicator of the passage of time, she had no idea how much time had passed since Henry left.  She was partially aware of the fact that people kept coming to her door and shouting through it.  She ignored them all.

When a note came through the door that the funeral would be happening the next day she ignored it entirely.  She couldn’t show her face not when it had been her fault and she couldn’t see _him_ declaring his love in eulogy and talk as if he deserved her.

Everything was too raw, too painful and every moment awake hurt, it hurt to breathe and keep going so she just didn’t.  She receded into the darkest depth of her mind and let it pull her down till the weight was crushing, she wasn’t even trying to continue on.

The day of the funeral was the first time she watched the clock, kept track of the time so that she knew it was happening and when it was over.  She also let Henry inside afterwards, she hadn’t planned on it, but he was at the door crying, and he needed her, and she couldn’t leave him.  They held each other tight and cried and then after that, she let him in whenever he came as long as he promised to return to his grandparents at night.

On a particularly bad day she’d not let him in but somehow he’d still got inside when she hadn’t answered him and so she sat against the bathroom door with Henry shouting from the other side.  She couldn’t bring herself to move or even answer him with her usual “everything will be ok” that she’d started parroting.  She just felt too weak, too lost, too long gone. 

She hated that Henry had been pulled into this, he should be grieving for Emma, and not trying to console his other broken mother.  She should be consoling him, instead, she was consumed with guilt so palpable that it was suffocating her.  Breathing was difficult, she often found herself gasping for breath through tears.  If it wasn’t for Henry she would have- no she couldn’t think like that, wouldn’t.

It took a while for her to realise that it was far too silent considering Henry had been shouting for the past hour that she needed to come out.  She shrugged it off as even him giving up on her, for he had to at some point.

What she was not expecting was a soft feminine voice that sounded like it came from just behind the door, as if that person was leaning against it on the other side.  For a second Regina had allowed her hopes to soar and she believed for that one moment that it might be Emma.  Perhaps she was dead and Emma was coming to get her, but no.

“Regina,” it was Snow, Henry must have called her.

 She wasn’t going to answer, if she had not even answered to Henry, how could she think that she would answer to her.  Snow did not give up though.

“Regina, I know you can hear me.  I can hear you.”

Still, she stayed silent, there was nothing Snow could say to make any of it better.  The only one who could...was gone.  The only one who truly understood her.

“Henry’s worried about you.  We all are.”

Apart from Henry, she could not believe that anyone would be worried about her.  A previous version of herself, the Queen, would have clung to anger and used it as a guard against the world, would have made everyone else gladly feel the pain she felt.  There was no one to be angry at but herself. 

“Pretend you don’t hear me all you want, but I’m still going to stay and talk.”

Of course, she would.

“I don’t know what _exactly_ is going on with you but you can talk to me, I’ll listen.  We all miss her.  She wouldn’t want this for you, she’d want you to be with your son, supporting each other.  She wouldn’t want you to shut down and block everyone out.” 

What did they know? Emma wasn’t here to tell them what she would have thought.  Something started to stir inside her, something that knew Snow spoke some semblance of the truth.  No, she squashed that down, she didn’t need more guilt.

“Regina, please.  We all miss you, no one has seen you except Henry since the day you merged and then you seemed to be managing ok but you didn’t even come to the funeral.”

No, she wasn’t managing; she had loved Emma with her whole being, even when that being had been separated the Queen had still loved her.

More tears started flowing and she didn’t know how her body still had any left to give.  She was in a constant state of crying when she wasn’t crying she was going through the motions in a zombie like state.  Numb.  When she wasn’t numb, the pain was unbearable and she didn’t know which state was worse.

“Henry is worried; we all are.  He says you haven’t been looking after yourself, that you haven’t eaten properly in days.”

She hadn’t, it took too much energy, she hadn’t moved from the bathroom floor for hours and the last time she’d eaten- well she couldn’t even remember.

“Regina, the truth is if you don’t talk to me today, I’m going to have to get David to force his way in there so I can look after you.  I can’t let you go on like this; she wouldn’t want me to let you.  You know if she were here it would be her banging on the door and forcing her way in.”

If Emma was here she wouldn’t be in this situation.  Nevertheless, her attention was caught because really she didn’t want her last strips of dignity taken by being forced out of her own bathroom.

“I’m coming out,” her voice was hoarse from underuse and all the crying she had been doing.  She could hear movement behind the door which signalled that Snow was getting up.  She too, slowly got to her feet, she needed the help of the counter to pull herself up, her body was weak.  Her face paled as she stood and the room swam.  She needed a moment to steady herself before getting to the bathroom door and unlocking it, she might have used magic except her magic wasn’t being as reactive as it was usually.

When the door opened Snow gasped at the sight of her, really she didn’t know how she looked.  She’d probably lost weight and hadn’t bothered with makeup in days, come to think of it when was the last time she’d showered.  Tears still crawled down her face, having given up on wiping them away when they were just joined by more.

She was engulfed in a hug that nearly knocked her over, but Snow's protective embrace kept her standing.  She’d had all intentions of being stiff and pulling away but instead, she melted in the other woman’s arms and held on tight.

They stayed like that for a long time before Snow guided her back into the bathroom and pushed her to sit down on the toilet.  Regina watched as Snow started running a bath, neither of them said anything till the tub was full.

“Now, you take a bath and I’ll go fix some food and then we can talk, you’ll feel so much better afterwards.”

Regina just nodded and watched Snow leave before pulling off her pyjamas and sinking into the water.  For the most part, she didn’t protest Snow’s actions because she didn’t have the energy to, but there was a part of her that didn’t mind having someone else there.

The bath was nice; it gave her something else to concentrate on.  She could put all her focus into washing her skin and hair, it wasn’t till she was out, dry and in fresh pyjamas sitting cross legged on her bed that her thoughts strayed back to that ever whirring sadness.

She was pulled back to reality by Snow gently shaking her shoulder, it took a moment for her eyes to focus on the other brunette.

“Hey, I brought food,” Snow said motioning to the tray she’d placed on the bed.

Regina would normally never eat anywhere other than the kitchen or living room but this was not normal.  So she pulled the tray over and picked up a fork, Snow had made a simple baked potato with butter and cheese.  She scooped a small amount of potato on her fork and ate.

It took a little while but she ate most of it and really she did feel a little more human now that she’d bathed and eaten.  Snow had been silently watching the whole time she ate but now it was time for them to talk and Regina just dreaded the whole thing.

Snow moved the tray off the bed before clearing her throat and speaking, “what’s going on with you Regina?”  Her eyes were watching her every movement, “there’s something you’re not telling me, this can’t just be about Emma’s…”

Death.  The word hung between them.  Uncomfortable.

A wave of guilt that made her stomach churn went through her, nausea meant her just eaten food was threatening to make a reappearance.

“I killed her.”  It was out before her mind had time to process, her mouth moving faster than her brain.  A guilty conscience dying to confess.

“You couldn’t have, you were with Henry and Zelena, unless- was it her?  The Evil Queen?”

Tears again started spilling from her eyes, but Regina nodded, “except I _am_ the Evil Queen so it was _me_ , _I killed her_.  _I killed Emma_.”  Tears were flowing hot and heavy now, they were uncontrollable as great sobs wracked through her body.

“Oh, Regina,” Snow wrapped her arms around Regina pulling her in and holding her close.  She rocked her gently, soothing.  “No honey, it wasn’t you, don’t think that.  You had no control over what she did, it isn’t your fault.”  She repeated those words and her motions until the sobs had quieted and Regina had stilled.

“I should never have split from her...if I hadn’t-” her voice was shaky.

“We encouraged you to, it still doesn’t make it your fault, it never will and nobody will see it like that.  We all understand that you had no control over her.  This is why you’ve been hiding?”

Regina nodded against Snow's shoulder, she was clinging to Snow for dear life.

“Oh, Regina.”

There was a moment of silence and later Regina would have no clue why she admitted this if she looked back except for the fact that she was feeling vulnerable and spread open.  “I loved her.”  Fresh tears soaked Snow’s shirt.

“I know you did.”

“What?” she breathed out, that had got her looking up at Snow whilst her hands still clung onto her clothing.

“I could see it for the longest time, the way you looked at each other and talked of each other.  I think she loved you too.”

Regina buried her head against Snow to hide her face, “no,” it came out as a whine, “she loved _him_ , she _chose_ him.”

“That’s the saddest thing because I don’t think she did, not really.  She loved you and given the chance if she hadn’t…then maybe she would have come around and told you herself.”

“Not helping,” more tears came then.  Tears for what was lost and what could have been but she’d never truly know, not really.

“I think she’s still watching over us all, especially you and Henry.”

Regina could feel Snow's tears soaking into her hair.  They spent quite a while like that, just holding onto each other and then later they talked of Emma long into the night.  They shared their memories of her, from days when she’d first come to town and then later when they’d all grown closer.  Regina even admitted that they’d had moments together where they’d kissed and been each other’s world but the moments were too few and never lasted long enough.  Eventually, they both drifted off to sleep, curled up on Regina’s bed, emotionally exhausted.  For both women, that night was a one of great healing where they could move forward with their lives.

 

* * *

 


	8. I'm holding on to your soul

White, everything was blindingly white.  She couldn’t see, everything blurred together and that light it was far too bright but she could see a figure knelt beside her.

“Regina.”

“Emma.”

Then everything came into sharp focus and there was Emma.  It was Emma beside her and she couldn’t comprehend what was going on, was she awake? Asleep? Dead? Alive? What was happening?

Her senses were on overdrive but the light was dimmer now.  She still couldn’t quite get her eyes to focus on anything other than Emma.  Blurred out of focus shapes moved behind them but she didn’t know what or who they were.

“What’s…” she trailed off wearily afraid to know what was going on.

“It’s ok, you’re dreaming,” Emma’s voice was so soft and soothing, she could listen to it forever.  She had an understanding smile on her face that was so very Emma.

Regina sat up with the blonde's help.  “Why am I…” again she trailed off but Emma seemed to know what she was saying anyway.

“Here?” she finished the sentence for her.  “I don’t know but look at you,” she sounded incredibly sad and pressed her palm against Regina’s cheek, gently running her thumb over soft skin.  “I know you blame yourself but please don’t I never will, things are hard now but they can be better.” 

The brunette leant into the touch and sighed, “I need you,” it came out a soft whimper, “and Henry, he needs you too, we all do.”

“I know but life goes on.”

“I don’t want it to.”

“I know you, you won’t give up, all you need is time.”

“Where are you?”

A sad smile took her in, “the underworld,” and when a sharp intake of breath came from Regina Emma continued with, “don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it was when we came down here.”

They lulled into a silence where they deeply looked into each other’s sad eyes, trying to burn the moment into their memories for it was likely the last time they’d get the chance.  Through eyes, they conveyed so much more than words ever could, all the unspoken things between them that were far too painful to speak of when they’d never get the chance to be together.  There was this moment though, this moment where they could savour each other’s presence for one last time.

Drawn together their lips met in that soft sweet way and their arms wrapped around each other, holding on tight as if that would stop them from being torn apart again.  There was not much to be said after that and so they just held on, sharing kisses and looks, taking each other in.

Regina could feel herself being tugged away, could feel the brightness and image fading as she was being pulled back to the darkness of reality.  She was kissing Emma and then she was staring up at her bedroom ceiling.

Her breath was heavy and her lips tingled as if Emma really had just been kissing her, she traced them with her fingertips. Her eyes scrunched up and tears shed through, oh she missed Emma with her entire being, never ever wanted to let her go.

As she replayed everything from the dream in her head one thing stood out, Emma was in the underworld and hadn’t they not long ago returned from there.  If they’d gone there for _him_ then they could go for Emma and even if it was a futile trip, at the very least they could see her and help her move on.  The best case scenario would be that they could bring her home of course, but she dared not get her hopes up for that outcome just yet.  There was a lot that she still needed to work out but a tiny flame of hope lit inside her and for now, it would keep her going.  She’d live for Henry and that tiny bit of hope because at the very least she might see Emma again and might was far better than never.

Her eyes grew heavy as she drifted off back into sleep, where she dreamt of Emma in their happier moments, and for the first time in a while, the tiniest flicker of a smile ghosted her lips.

 

* * *

 


End file.
